


Who Wears the Hats in this Town?

by LMPsisterhood



Category: I Love Lucy, Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack Crossover, Crossover, Fluff and Angst, Justice of the Peace - Freeform, Shotgun Wedding, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:27:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23421664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LMPsisterhood/pseuds/LMPsisterhood
Summary: This is a crackfic based on the Marriage License in I Love Lucy. I just thought, what if Emma and Regina wore all the hats in the town while some of the residents were away on vacation?
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Ricky Ricardo V|OC/Olivia Bailey|OC
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	Who Wears the Hats in this Town?

**Author's Note:**

> Ricky Ricardo from the show is now his red-headed grandson and the lovely bride is Ricky the fifth's Olivia Bailey, an OC, instead of Lucy McGuilicutty.

“Granny’s Inn and Diner,” a disgruntled little blonde pointed out as she stepped through the door. She turned to her fellow traveller and snapped, “I don’t know why you couldn’t remember to put gas in the car.”

The red-headed man stamped in after her, “Even if I had remembered, I wouldn’t have been able to pay for it because you took my wallet out at home!”

“That’s no excuse!” The woman exclaimed.

“No excuse …” The man mumbled as he face-palmed himself.

They looked around the small foyer. The petite blonde asked, “Is there anyone alive in this town?”

She walked up to the small desk and rang the bell several times. Emma Swan yelled as she awoke from sleep and swung her legs around off the bench behind the desk. She had a strange dream about Storybrooke going up in flames as she grabbed for the fire helmet under the desk, “Where’s the ladder? Get the hose! Where’s the fire?”

The cute little blonde before her said, “There is no fire.”

“Well, I heard the bell. I saw the flames.” She saw the red-headed man beside her and said, “Oh, it’s you! It must have been your hair!” Emma laughed to herself. “Well, sir, what can I do for you? I’m Emma Swan, fire chief of this here fair city.”

Emma chuckled to herself again. These two didn’t know she really wasn’t, but the real fire chief and a few of the other residents had decided to take a vacation back to the Enchanted Forest for a couple of weeks and she and her wife, Regina Mills, had been left in charge. They hadn’t minded. Storybrooke was a small town and it was quieter with some of the residents gone, so it was easy to take care of.

The red-headed man looked disgruntled as he spewed forth, “Well, look, Miss Swan, do you know that gas station across the street? Nobody was there. Do you know who runs it?”

Emma’s brows rose as her eyes widened, “Oh, you’re looking for the one that runs the gas station?”

“Yeah.” The man said shortly.

Emma quickly took the fire helmet off and reached under the desk for a little old-fashioned triangle cap. “Fill her up?”

The man blinked rapidly as he surmised, “Oh, you run the gas station too, huh? Well, we’re out of gas.”

“Yeah, so am I.” Emma stated.

The young couple before Emma exclaimed together, “What?”

“Yeah, won’t get in until 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.” Emma looked at them nonplussed.

The petite blonde groaned, “No. Well, I guess we’ll just have to spend the night here.”

Emma agreed, “Yup,” Emma slipped the little cap off and reached for a little bill cap she sometimes saw Granny Lucas wear around the inn. She found a pen and opened the sign-in book, “Sign the register.”

The red-headed man grimly set the valise in his hand down and reached for the pen to write their names. Emma read from the other side as he continued to write, “Mr. and Mrs. … Ricky … Ri … i-i … cardo. Ricardo.”

The little blonde woman pushed the man aside and said, “Pardon me, please.” She took the pen and stroked out the Mrs. and wrote down her name. She turned the register around and Emma looked closely at the scribbles.

Emma looked up at the woman and questioned, “Miss? Olivia Bailey.” Even in this modern age, Emma was impressed with her honesty and affirmed, “Good girl.”

The man hmphed and glared at the woman. Emma glared right back at the young man and exclaimed, “You cad!” She turned to grab the room keys, turning back around she looked at the young man as she snapped, “That’ll be two rooms!”

Ricky pursed his lips and huffed, “Oh, what’s the difference?”

Emma smirked and replied, “Double the money, that’s the difference.” Emma looked at the woman and commented, “I’ll send the boy out for your luggage.”

Olivia picked up the little valise Ricky had set down and replied, “Well, this is all the luggage that we have.”

“Oh, well, in that case, that will be $20 in advance. Each that is.” Emma glared at the red-headed Ricky.

Olivia reached into her purse and took out the $20 she needed for her room. Ricky watched her as she set the money down and stated,

“You took my wallet. I don’t have any money.”

Olivia deadpanned, “That’s too bad.” She turned to look at Emma and asked, “Would you show me to my room please.”

Ricky’s voice rose as with every word that exited his mouth, “What do you mean ‘That’s too bad’? Give the lady the money, would you?”

Olivia snapped back, “Why should I pay for your room? We’re not married, remember.”

Emma looked piercingly at Ricky and questioned, “Yeah, why should she?”

Ricky was so tired and reached out for Olivia’s hands, looking in her eyes he said, “Now look, sweetie, let me explain the whole thing to you, please?” He continued to talk and gesture at the same time, “The whole thing was a gag. Now I’ll tell you what happened.” He chuckled to himself and pleaded with her, “You know Sam Davis? Sam has a friend down at the license burrow. When you saw that our marriage licence gave me the wrong name, Bicardi, I had a thought. So, asked him to tell his friend to tell you when you got down there the license was no good and we weren’t married at all.” He chuckled again. “That’s what I told him and he did it. Isn’t that funny?”

Ricky started laughing heartily and, as he watched the women’s faces before him, his laughing waned.

Olivia’s face was stony as she exclaimed, “That’s the phoniest story I’ve ever heard.”

Emma’s mouthed closed from the gaping she had while he was telling his story and then exclaimed, “That’s the phoniest story I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard them all!”

Ricky face-palmed himself and then looked up beseechingly, “Now for goodness sake …”

Emma stopped him before he reached the desk, holding up a hand, “Uh-uh-uh, please stop annoying our paying quests”

“Ei-yei-yei,” Ricky complained as he walked away from Olivia.

“I’ll have a bell-boy take you up to your room, young lady.” Emma rung the little bell and yelled out, “Front!” Olivia in frustration had turned her back on the desk and Emma reached under the desk to switch hats once again, slipping on a flat-topped bell-boy cap and walked around the desk. She picked up Olivia’s valise and turned towards the stairs.

“Oh,” Olivia exclaimed, “are you the bell-boy, too?”

Emma smiled at her mischievously and stated, “Why sure.”

Olivia followed Emma up the stairs and Ricky watched them as they went, running his fingers through his hair. Finally, he put his hands in his pocket and decided to suck it up. Olivia turned on the stairs and stuck her tongue out at him. His nose twitched as he watched her continue up the stairs to her room. After she was gone, he shuffled to the little wooden love-seat bench and awkwardly laid down on it, scrunching up his long body and setting his head down on the thin armrest.

* * *

The next morning, Olivia walked down the stairs in her coat, carrying the valise. She stepped around the wooden bench that Ricky was curled up in, giving him a distasteful look, her nose in the air. She set the case down and kicked Ricky’s shin. The red-head groaned as he woke and fell off the bench. He looked up from the ground at the blonde.

Olivia sing-songed out, “Good morning.”

Ricky yawned and grumbled, “Good morning.”

Emma walked in from the gas station wearing her little triangle cap and announced, “Well, she’s all filled with gas and ready to go.”

Ricky picked himself off the ground, rubbing at a crick in his neck, and snapped, “Good. Let’s get out of here. We’re just in time for rehearsal.”

He picked up the valise at Olivia’s feet and stepped towards the door. Emma cleared her throat.

“Just a minute,” she gestured at the red-head and explained, “that gasoline came to 63 dollars and 25 cents.”

Ricky looked at Olivia and said, “Well?”

She turned her head to look at him and reiterated, “Well?”

Ricky snapped, he’d had enough, “Well, give her the money!”

Olivia crossed her arms and huffed back, “You certainly don’t expect me to pay for the gas, do you?”

Ricky pursed his lips and argued back, “Well, you better give the lady the money or neither one of us is going to get back to Boston.”

Olivia snapped back, “It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t have any pressing engagements.”

Emma stepped around the arguing couple and dashed behind the desk to grab up her cowboy hat. She smiled in glee as she slipped it on and thought it was well worth her while to have purchased all these hats to have fun with his couple.

Ricky complained to Olivia, “But, sweetie …”

Emma stepped up behind the red-head and loudly stated, “I’m the sheriff. I just had a call from the gas station. Which one of you is the dead-beat?”

Ricky looked up and his mouth gaped open. Olivia didn’t skip a beat and pointed at Ricky and commented, “He’s your man, officer.”

Emma stretched up on her toes and looked the man up and down, saying, “Alrighty, I guess you’re going to jail.”

Ricky snapped his mouth closed and exclaimed, “Jail!?”

“Yep,” Emma reached for her cuffs and walked up to Ricky. Ricky set down the case and waved his hands.

“Wait a minute. Uno a momento.” Just like his father and grandfather before him, he started to talk speedily in Spanish, explaining to Emma the situation. He gestured between himself and Olivia.

Emma winked at Olivia and gasped out, “Uh-oh, a spy!”

She slipped the cuff on a wrist and shuffled him to the door. Olivia tapped Emma on the shoulder as she walked by and said, “Just a minute, Officer, he isn’t a spy.”

Emma huffed back and snapped, “You don’t kid me. I know Russian when I hear it.”

Olivia chuckled behind her hand and explained, “That wasn’t Russian; that was Spanish.”

Emma looked perplexed. How had she forgotten her high school Spanish classes? “Spanish? Well, we licked them in ’98 and I reckon we can do it again.” She winked again at Olivia and turned back to Ricky walking him out the door, “Come on.”

Ricky stopped in the door frame, resting his hand on the lintel, “Look, you better give this character her money or she’s going to have me shot.”

Olivia hmphed and turned away from Ricky, stating, “Why should I care what happens to you when you don’t care enough about me to marry me?”

Emma stopped and looked pointedly at the red-headed man, saying, “Yeah, say, why don’t you marry the little lady?”

Ricky sighed and shuffled his feet. “Well, I would marry her, but she wouldn’t marry me.”

“No,” Emma looked curiously at Ricky, “why not?”

Ricky plucked up a little courage and said, “Anyway, I don’t have enough money to pay the justice of the peace.”

Emma straightened out Ricky’s lapel and said, “Well, maybe if you talk nicely, maybe the Justice of the Peace will do it for nothing.”

Ricky looked up hopefully and asked, “Yeah, do you know where I can find him?”

Emma unlocked the cuff, looked at him for a second longer and then turned and dashed around the desk, taking her cowboy hat off in the process. She pulled out a little black cowboy hat and turned back to the couple. She looked around the tiny foyer and asked, “Where’s the happy couple?”

Olivia looked at Ricky and her eyes got rounder as she stated, “You know, the real money in this town is selling hats.”

Ricky just shrugged his shoulders at her. After a moment, Ricky gave a small smile and walked around Olivia. “Look, Miss Swan, can we rush this thing. I’m in a terrible hurry to get back to Boston.”

Emma pursed her lips and affirmed, saying, “Young man, this is serious business. You can’t just rush into marriage, you know.” She scratched her chin and muddled, “Hmm, you need a witness.”

Emma walked across the foyer and stuck her head into the diner. She saw her wife sitting at the bar and smiled at her. The brunette smiled back and stood to her full height, plus five inches, heals and all. She walked the few steps to the back of the diner but stopped as Leroy called her back to the counter.

Emma turned to the young couple again and primly walked up to them, smiling, “This is my wife, Regina Mills.” She waited, but no one came up behind her. “Oh well, she must have been detained.”

Ricky dropped his coat that had been in his hands and grabbed the Bible. “Look, can we get started now, please. I’m in a terrible rush.”

Emma took the book from him, saying, “Oh, sure.”

Olivia played with her purse and looked down and then back up at Ricky, “Now look, I’m not going to marry you until you purpose.”

Emma looked at the young man and he looked at her. Ricky questioned, “In front of Miss Swan?”

Emma gave him a big smile and pleaded, “Oh, go on, please.”

Ricky stared at her a moment. Then Olivia gestured, “Go on, Ricky.”

Ricky sighed and reached for her hand, “Alright, Olivia, will you …”

Olivia pointed to the ground, saying, “Down on your knee.”

Ricky shuffled and then knelt on the ground, taking her hand, “Olivia …”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Emma said excitedly, turning back to the diner, “just a minute, I want Gina to see this.” She opened the door and called, “Gina.” Regina popped her head around the door, “Hurry up, please.” Regina stepped through as Emma took her hand and led her to the couple, saying, “Come on, I want you to hear this.”

“What’s all this about?” Regina’s heels clacked on the ground as she walked towards the young couple.

Emma explained to her wife, “This young gentleman is about to pop the question to the lady.”

Emma grinned broadly and clapped happily. Regina’s face glowed as she saw the young couple for the first time. A gentle, “Oh,” slipped from her mouth. And she clasped her hands in front of her as watched the young man in expectation.

Olivia stood stoically, “Okay, Ricky, start popping.”

Ricky looked up from the ground into Olivia’s face and gulped as he saw the intuitive look on the brunette’s face. Turning to the young blonde, he continued, “Olivia, I think you’re the most wonderful girl,” he stuttered out, gaining confidence he blundered on, “I can’t live without you. Olivia, will you marry me?”

Olivia considered for a moment, then said, “Yes, I will.”

Regina smiled at the young couple and nodded towards them giving her blessing, saying shortly, “How sweet.”

Ricky stumbled to his feet and grasped onto Emma’s arm, asking, “Now, can we get going?”

Emma smiled and conceded, “Alrighty, Gina, can you take your place?”

Olivia was standing on Emma’s left and Ricky on her right and she placed the two beside each other, “No, wait a second, you two need to switch.” Olivia and Ricky looked at each other and shuffled to the other side. “Gina, please.”

Regina shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Well, I don’t know where you want me!”

“Oh, for goodness sake,” Emma put her hands on Regina’s shoulders and guided her forward to stand beside Olivia, “now stand there.”

Regina grimly stood in place. Emma took her place in front of the young couple and opened up the book that the cricket had left with her.

Olivia’s eyes opened wide and she screeched out, “Oh, I just had a terrible thought. We can’t get married we don’t have a license.”

Emma quietly commented, “Don’t worry about that.”

Ricky knowingly rolled his eyes and deduced, “I know, you’re the head of the license burrow.”

Emma rolled her eyes at the red-head. “Oh no, I’m not, smarty.”

Regina rocked back and forth on her heels and stated, “I am.” She raised her brows briefly and gave a firm smile.

Olivia giggled behind her hand and then turned to Regina to ask, “Miss Mills will you make out the license right away and I’ll be right back.”

Olivia turned and grabbed the valise, running up the stairs. Ricky exasperatedly asked, “Olivia, where are you going?”

The petite blonde called over her shoulder, “You’ll see. I want everything to be just the way it was before.”

Emma, Regina and Ricky stood around the desk, filling in the license form. Ricardo Alberto Fernando Ricardo y de Acha V was written down as the correct name for the groom. And just underneath was the name Olivia Hannah Claire Bailey as the bride.

Anxiously, Ricky called out, “Olivia, sweetie, are you almost ready?”

Ricky set down the pen in time to see Olivia dressed in her wedding gown and veil, stepping down the stairs. She held a small bouquet of wildflowers in her hand as she clung to the railing. Ricky looked at her appreciatively as Emma gaped at the pretty dress that Olivia wore. Regina looked on with a pleased expression.

Ricky stepped up to his young bride and said, “Olivia, you look so beautiful.” He took her hand in his and kissed it, sincerely asking, “Will you marry me?”

Olivia felt bashful and quietly replied, “Yes.”

Emma stepped around the desk with Bible in hand, “Well, I guess we’re all set.” She saw that Ricky was on her right and Olivia was on her left and corrected, “You’re on the wrong side.”

Once again, the couple shuffled to stand in front of Emma. Emma opened with, “We have a beautiful ceremony, we do. We start with a song.” She turned to Regina and said, “Hit it, Gina.”

Regina stepped to the corner and fumbled with the ancient gramophone Granny had for such an occasion. In a few moments the strains of the song ‘Oh Promise Me’ came through the speakers. Regina sighed happily. This song always gave her a little thrill. It reminded her of better times. Ricky grimaced as he heard the ancient song.

As the first verse ended, Ricky commented, “Very nice, Miss Mills.”

Olivia smiled at her and reflected, “Thank you, Miss Mills.”

Regina nodded and let the LP continue its strains. Ricky rocked back and forth on his feet, pointing at his watch as he glanced at Emma. Emma nodded her understanding and tried getting her wife’s attention.

“Regina,” the brunette ignored her as she stared off into oblivion. Emma tried again, “Gina.” Regina swayed slightly to the music and Emma called her name loudly this time. “REGINA!” The brunette snapped out of her stupor and looked at Emma. The blonde looked at her pointedly and said, “That’s all, Gina.”

“Don’t we even get hear the second verse?” Emma shook her head at her. Under her breath, Regina complained, “Ah, nuts.”

The young couple smiled at the older brunette as Emma proceeded with the ceremony. As Emma said the last words, Regina handed over the license and said, “There’s your certificate. Now you’re legally married.”

Olivia smiled broadly and grasped her flowers to her and happily exclaimed, “Thank you, Miss Mills. Thank you very much.”

Ricky earnestly expressed his thanks as well. Picking up the valise and pulling his wife by the hand towards the door, he called out, “Goodbye.”

In all the kerfuffle, Emma had disappeared and Regina shook herself as she remembered something; an important part of the ceremony. She held up her hand and said, “Wait.” She turned to the desk and reached underneath, pulling out a container. The young couple turned towards her briefly and the brunette reached her hand inside and threw a handful of confetti at them. They flinched as it landed all around them. Regina called out happily, “Congratulations!”

Another handful flew from the brunette’s hand as the young couple tried to make their escape. Olivia smiled at her again, saying, “Thank you. Thank you.”

Emma stepped through the door in her sheriff cow-boy hat, causing Ricky to back up a step. Emma demanded of the redhead, “Not so fast, you own that car out there at the curb?”

Ricky scratched his neck and affirmed, “You know I do. You filled it up with gas a couple of hours ago.”

Emma barked, “Do you realize you parked 12 hours in a one-hour zone?”

Ricky dropped the valise and rolled his eyes.

Emma stated, “$100 or ten days.”

Olivia sighed and explained, “But we just gave you all the money we had for the gas.”

Emma repeated, “$100 or ten days.”

Regina leaned forward slightly and looked pointedly at her wife, saying, “Just a minute. You young folks run along and forget what she said.”

Emma’s fists rested on her hips as she glared at her wife, “Gina, please, are you forgetting you’re talking to the Sheriff?”

“Miss Swan, you’re forgetting, I’m the mayor.” The brunette pulled out a perk little top hat and placed it delicately on her head. Emma saluted, looking chagrined. The Ricardos ran out the door behind her, laughing their heads off at this eccentric little town.


End file.
